If you’ve followed my blog for a while, I’m sure you’ve picked up bits and pieces of what the last year has looked like for me. But while bits and pieces are okay, I’m going to expound upon it.
Let’s rewind to May of 2016. The boy that I dated for over two years broke my heart. I can still look back on that conversation and feel every emotion I felt. I can feel the gut wrenching tears that streamed down my face. But while that was one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had, God totally prepared me for it. See, in the weeks leading up to my heart being broken, God built me up and that relationship was no longer an idol in my life. I was finally in a place where I knew that if that relationship were to go away, while it would still hurt, I WOULD be okay.
So that break up conversation ended and that boy dropped me off at a dear friend’s house. And she and I walked and talked. I cried and processed and she just loved on me. And she reminded me to let myself feel and cling to God. So I did. Well, until the weddings started a week later.
And as wedding season progressed, I built up walls. I numbed myself. I put on a happy face and celebrated because that’s what my friends deserved. Because I knew that to love my friends fiercely, I had to put aside my own emotions and hurts, and show up and celebrate. So I did.
And then one day when wedding season was over and I was back at school, all those walls came tumbling down. And it hurt. Oh how it hurt. But a friend so kindly looked me in the eyes and told me that he wasn’t mine anymore. That I had to get over him and move on. And from that point on, I started running full force toward Jesus.
I started pressing in to the hurt. I cried. I felt. I broke down walls that I had put up just to survive. And you know what God did? He moved in mighty ways. Not only was my heart starting to heal but He was creating freedom and peace within me. What I thought was the perfect relationship with the perfect guy turned out to be something that was holding me back from Jesus. And while I think highly of that guy, we just weren’t meant for each other and that is quite alright because I learned so much from him and the relationship we had.
Once that relationship was ripped from my life and I began to heal, God started to plant dreams and visions within my heart. Things that have been there for quite some time but I had pushed off as a thought for the future. Things like writing, speaking, ministry, and adoption. What do those things mean? Ha! Your guess is as good as mine because I still have no idea. But I do know that I have people encouraging me to press into those things. To explore what those dreams could and will be.
And in the months following the beginning of healing, God has showed up in more ways than words could describe. He’s ripping out the weeds in my heart making room for the flowers to bloom. Y’all, it’s hard and it’s messy but the joy in my heart is overflowing. And I’m standing on the edge of the unknown, putting one foot in front of the other, stepping into the future that God has set out for me. And don’t get me wrong, I still mess up and I still stumble and fall, but I know that God is right there to pick me up and dust me off.
So I share all of this with you to say that even in the messy awful pain that comes with breakups, loss, and death; God moves. He moves y’all. He shows up, picks us up, dusts us off, and sets us back on the path toward Him. He uses our broken hearted stories to glorify Him. To turn people back to Him. Y’all He calls the broken-hearted. Can you believe that? Even the messiest of broken hearts, that “he-ripped-my-heart-out-and-stomped-on-it-until-it-was-in-a-million-pieces” kind of messy; yeah, God uses that messy broken heart for big beautiful Kingdom work.
So let yourself feel. Feel the broken. Feel the hurt. Cry. Eat lots of ice cream. Press into Jesus. Leave tear stains in your bible. Yell while you’re praying. Feel the feels. And then let God move. Because He will; I promise you He will.
So dear friend, I’m praying for your broken heart tonight. I’m praying that God would fill the spaces and cracks that no person could ever fill. And I’m praying for God to show up in mighty, mighty ways.